Good waitering 101

Picture this. You've just eaten something you didn't quite recognise and beckon the waiter for an explanation.

"Tell me, good sir," you may say as the plates are being cleared, "this bitter green that tastes faintly of cat urine, what exactly do you call that?" If you're as cynical as me about these things, you'll have anticipated one of two answers that go with the blank face.

One - and this requires more chutzpah than most waiters can muster - is complete bullshit, an answer plucked from the sky like King Kong snatching at aeroplanes. Nine times out of 10 it actually works (for the waiter, anyway), but for the other one time ... embarrassing.

"Er, sorry, but I'm pretty sure this isn't samphire/purslane/kombu (insert whatever esoteric green the waiter has been able to recall from random access memory at short notice)."

The other, the default position of most waiters who don't know a truffle from a dog turd, is: "I'm not sure. I'll ask the chef." If I had a dollar ...

It's not really good enough, is it? But good waiters are thin on the ground and most restaurants are forced to employ people for whom this kind of knowledge is, like, so random.

And, of course, in this country waiters don't rely on tips, so for the front-of-house staff working a place where meaningful tips are the exception, where's the incentive, other than for personal pride, to excel?

OK, cheap shots are easy. So the waiter doesn't know the fish is blue-eye: is it entirely their fault? Or has the chef failed to liaise with front of house? Has management not recognised the importance of a proper briefing and follow-up that allows a team leader to share with staff the important stuff about the dishes? That the duck is now quail. That the vegetarian dish is not gluten-free. And that, yes, the fish is blue-eye trevalla and the weed is in fact dandelion.

As with most things in life, you get what you pay for, and when you pay $45 for that piece of fish instead of $25, what you should get, along with your food, is an answer, not a blank face. Or that answer plucked out of you know where.

Most serious restaurants quiz wait staff informally each day at a briefing to keep them on their toes. One restaurant we know has a more formal "Tip Test" and by this, we assume they mean that by possessing the kind of knowledge management expects of its staff, the waiters are far more likely to pick up a greater share of the tip pool. And as easy as it is to have a go at waiting standards in this country, it's important to acknowledge professionalism, too.

Try a few of these questions:

List three aperitif-style cocktails, their ingredients and prices.

List all wines by the glass, price and region.

List all the cheeses on the menu, type of milk and region.

Describe why the rice we use in our risotto is so unique.

If a customer informs you of dietary intolerance or allergy, what steps must you take?

If a customer does not drink red wine and orders a steak, what wine do you recommend and why?

And:

What foraged weed used by the chef smells like cat pee?

Actually, the last bit is made up. But they may want to consider it anyway.

Source: The Australian, 1 December 2012